Kayas's Xanga

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 03:41:41 GMT

I've switched over to http://users.livejournal.com/_call_girl_/

Most entries are private, if you're an LJ user, drop me a note on one of my public posts and I'll consider adding you to my friends list.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 17:49:51 GMT

An invite to all of my friends:

Ground Zero on Thursday...

Please come and shake your bootie!

~T.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 22:37:48 GMT

You Are A Thought Bubbler!!

For you, the bubbles prove you're deep in thought. Without even realizing it, you treat your bubbles as works of art, built slowly, then destroyed in a bang. There's something intimidating about someone so focused that a loud popping sound doesn't break his or her concentration. Keep messing with their minds!

Take the "How Do You Chew" Quiz to enter a sweepstakes for free Xanga Premium for you and ten of your friends!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Thu, 07 Oct 2004 22:36:09 GMT

My little brother just called me, which is weird. We rarely talk. I adore his children, but for the most part we don't get along. Lately when we see eachother, when I go to hug him, he hugs me back... which is awesome. A lot of that has happened since Dad got sick. We only had eachother really.

So today he called, asked me how I like my new car (which he picked out for me) We talked a little bit, talked about the kids, about what medications we're both currently taking (him for a serious sinus infection, me for the bronchitis) We talked about the next time I'd be home and about plans for thanksgiving. He's not sure he'd be able to make it up here with the kids, depends on what plans Natalie's mother has. I'd really like to have him here.

Before he hung up, I said "Love you, Bud" (my nickname for him, which ironicly is my dad's nickname from his siblings) And he replied "Love you too"

And it's true. As much as we argue and have different views on the world, when it comes down to it, we're siblings, no matter how fucked up that happened and when the chips are down, we're here for each other, regardless of our world views.

My father's death and funeral pointed that out to the both of us. There I was defending my brother's right to call my dad his father so I was attacked instead, and he was there for me, following me out of the funeral home to hug me and tell me that it's all bullshit and it doesn't matter who biologically created us. He was OUR dad. He loved us both, and we loved him, and that's all that mattered. My brother and I held on to eachother, holding one another up at the graveside service, crying and squeezing eachother.

I have this thing about family. Not just biological or legal family, but chosen/intentional family as well. Example: My father's family is legal family, but hardly included in my chosen/intentional family. My brother is. Sam is. Hell, Shane is. Family. It's all about who you would protect to the best of your ability, who you would defend with all that you have. It's not at all about blood. Granted, some of my "family" is blood. But my blood "family" are the ones that have gone through an awful lot with me. My brother helped me get dressed for my first date. I used to pin his jeans and do his hair for Friday night rollerskating. We went through our parents' divorce and our mother's remarriage together. We helped eachother survive our father's death. As much as we fight, I still love him.

Family means so much to me. I wish I had a way to explain it. It's not about blood or history or heritage. It's about love, loyalty and protecting one another. I'm as fierce as a lioness protecting her cubs if you mess with my family. Intentional or otherwise.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Thu, 07 Oct 2004 00:10:08 GMT

Elvish

To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 01:37:41 GMT

Ok, so I'm watching the news to see more about the train accident... And after that, I left the news on, I was sort of half watching, half just being a blob on the sofa. Then I saw this news blurb And I say to myself "OH MY GOD! I went to school with that guy!" And I should have known back then that he was gay... but so many of us were SO closeted back then... Just a weird and surreal moment.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 21:32:39 GMT

For those of you wondering where I've been lately....

I've been going crazy.

Ok, not crazy, but my anxiety and depression have been kicking my ass.

I talked to Ops, HR and my supervisor yesterday and got a 3 day LOA. I've made appointments with a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm getting my meds changed. I'm trying really hard to overcome the anxiety that keeps me from wanting to leave the house and finally get my shit together.

I've actually started talking to my mother about my mental health. It's been difficult, but she's been really good about it. I know she worries too much.

Sam has been taking really good care of me. I adore her. I wish I had the guts to tell my family that she's my girlfriend and how good she is for me.

I'm considering going home for the family "christmas party" on Saturday. I promised my mom I'd think about it and call her after my appointments tomorrow and let her know. On one hand I really would like to go, on the other, I'm more than a little nervous about leaving my "comfort zone" and getting together with a crowd of people when I'm not feeling particularly social. I might get to mom's and freak out and have no-one there who would know how to help me. *sigh* I'll think about it more and talk to Sam about it. Maybe she'll have some insight.

So there you have it, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, just finally had enough time to let the events of the past 10 months catch up with me.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 04:31:53 GMT

Cross Posted from my private journal:

After getting advise from someone I really respect and value, I've had to take a deeper look at some things. A couple of really key issues that have been bothering me lately.

1. My brother took his family out to go camping with his biological father. This bothered me. I mean, it's always bothered me since he started hanging out with Dan, but this little family outing hurt me. To me it felt disrespectful to my father's memory. I'm afraid of it separating my brother and his children (my most beloved neice and nephew) from me further. I'm hurt by the feeling that he is replacing our dad. I don't know if that is truly what he's doing, but that's what it feels like to me. I'm afraid that the kids will forget their Grandpa Ed. Even if he wasn't their biological grandfather, he still loved them as his grandchildren, they meant the world to him. I don't want the kids to forget him. I don't want my brother to forget him. He was our dad. He loved us both equally, regardless of blood. Now that I know why this is bothering me, I know that I need to talk to my brother. Which is going to be like pulling teeth for both of us, but it needs to be done. I need to understand why my brother is doing this when he said he never wanted to meet the man. I do understand wanting to know his biological father. I've fought some internal fights of my own, wondering if my dad is really my blood. I know I say that I don't care... but part of me really wants to know the truth. My fear is that it will change me somehow, or be disrespectful to my father. I love him so much and I can't bear to change my memory of him, however inadvertently.

2. Tikina-
What to say about Tikina. I've been so very angry with her, and hurt by her accusations. I was ready to write her off and try to forget about her. But now I know that I need to at least try to talk to her. No matter how hard that is going to be for me. No matter how much it's going to hurt to pick open that scab again. It's better to know and not spend the rest of my life wondering. Which means I need to either write a long and thoughtful email, or better still, somehow find the courage to pick up the phone and call her and hope she doesn't hang up on me.

I know he'll never read this, probably doesn't even know that this exists, but:

Thank You. It means a lot to me that you cared enough to give me advise, when you could have saved your breath, sat back and let me stew and struggle on my own.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 05:19:32 GMT

I had some angry words to post earlier today when I read TinkinaRuby's site. She and I had been friends once upon a time. About a year ago she asked me not to contact her again until either Lex and I got married or I moved out of Lex's apt. Well, Lex and I broke up in March and I moved out in July, but I never contacted her.

I inadvertently ran into her at fest a week ago. I actually was hoping to avoid that. When she asked if we could talk, I told her I really didn't want to. Apparently this wasn't clear enough for her.

Now, let me just say this. Once upon I time, I loved her as a sister, my best friend and companion. But after being abandoned during the worst year of my life, and managing to stay alive with out her.... I figure I learned my lesson. And that lesson was not to depend on her any more. Not to need anyone during the hardest moments of my life.

In the past year so much of my life has changed, I've changed.

My grandfather passed on Christmas eve and my mother and I did what we could to hold each other together. In March, Lex and I finally broke up for the last time, and I was completely alone a week later when my father went into the ICU. I spent the next 3 months completely alone, with no one to talk to, no one to hold me, to hug me, to care as my father lay dying. As I drove every other weekend back to be with him. I was completely alone when my father died. I had no one in my life who understood how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, adored him the way only a daughter can look up to her daddy. I was alone.

I got a new job, a new apartment and started living on my own for the first time in my life. Alone.

My ex-best friend still believes that I am weak. I was angry over that for an hour or so, until I realized that I don't have to be. She doesn't know who I am anymore and there is no reason to let her make me angry. She'll never see how strong I am, how this past year would have killed me only a year or two ago. Literally killed me. She doesn't have a clue who I have become, and she never will, because she missed out on the hardest year of my life, the year that shaped me into the amazingly strong woman I've become.

She stopped being my friend a year ago and can't understand why I don't want to be her friend now. She proved to me that her friendship isn't something I can count on. I can only count on me.

She made the choice to cut me out of her life, I'm just helping her hold to that choice.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 22:55:23 GMT

Cross posted from my private journal:

2 am and I'm polishing my dad's silver, that's what I'm doing.

I know, it sounds crazy. But I got home tonight and I just needed some sort of connection to my father, I miss him so terribly much sometimes.

I walked into my living room and saw the tarnished silver ice bucket, cups and tray... and next to it, the silver polish Mom and I bought to polish them all up. And in that moment I felt like such a bad child. I haven't been home since he passed, I haven't visited his grave since the funeral. I haven't gone to sit at the graveside and talk to him, as I did with my grandmother. I haven't lain in the grass and let my tears of pain and anger fall into the earth to mingle with his ashes, to nourish the earth even as I feel a part of me falling away.

I have all these beautiful pieces of silver that meant so much to me when my uncle sent them up and now they sit neglected. I'm such a terrible child to not cherish these pieces.

As a child, about once every six months to a year, Dad and I would pull out all the silver and lay news paper all over the living room floor, then I would set to work, carefully spreading polish over every surface of each piece, and it was a huge collection. Lots of glass bottom beer steins, the ice bucket, the silver ware.... Dad and I would spend most of a day polishing, then hanging all the steins back up. He was always so proud of them.

I polished one cup and the top of the ice bucket before I stopped myself. I need to sleep.
So I will journal these thoughts now, and cry myself to sleep, and maybe tomorrow will seem brighter. Maybe tomorrow I won't feel as though I've lost a piece of who I am. Maybe tomorrow I'll find some other way to keep him close, to remember him without crying...

What I wouldn't give for just one more hug from my daddy. What I wouldn't give to have him embarrass me in the grocery store again. What I wouldn't give to hear him tell one more exasperatingly long story.

I love you daddy, higher than the sky. I wish you were here. I wish I could have done more. I wish I'd been a better daughter. I miss you daddy